Friday, October 31, 2008

Slow Golf

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out, "Move it, time is money."

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest. "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time."

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls."

The Aussie said, "Why can't they bloody well play at night?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Want A Woman!

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Holiday Horror

I remember this as if it were yesterday.

Our family was sitting in pub/restaurant ordering and my dad had popped off top the loo.

We continued chatting & ordered our drinks after a little while we noticed the most awful stench, a kind of feces/vomit combo fresh from the oven. We were not the only ones as we looked around we noticed everyone had stopped eating and drinking and was curious as to the souce of the smell.

Cue dad attempting to stealthly leave the toilets as a wall of putrid shit stench struck the the room from the open toilet door. He took one look around the pui and left. We quietly paid for our drinks and left shortly after not wishing people to realise we are related. Days later in the hotel people were still commenting this pub had a smell not unlike the feces of the damned.